


The Longest Night

by HunterMemoir



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Suicide, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 23:51:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8944321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HunterMemoir/pseuds/HunterMemoir
Summary: The second Winter's Solstice on Earth.Some days are just too hard.Some things are just too easy.Some of the strongest people will break given the right reasons.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have to warn, this is one of my most depressing works, and I wasn't careful in how I portrayed things.  
> Read at your own risk.

She doesn't remember her first Solstice on Earth, she was on her own, in the forest, living off the land and avoiding anything even resembling civilization. 

This one, though, she had no way to escape.

 

She remembers Lexa mentioning how they celebrated this night, traditionally, in those few weeks when everything between the two of them was hanging in the balance. They were friendly, yet not friends, they were in love, yet they were no lovers. The were still trying to make sense of what was what and where were their limits, even though that didn't last long.

 

Clarke can no longer see properly, having stayed out in the radiation for a little too long and her skin is burnt beyond recognition, it hurts, and she had to learn how to live with it. It's been just over a year since the Dropship landed on Earth, but Clarke felt as if she had lived whole lives since landing. She is tired of fighting, tired of holding on when all she wants is to close her eyes and fall asleep one last time and never wake up.

It's never been this hard, not when she lost her father to the cold darkness of space, nor when she lost all trust in her mother and her best friend both. 

 

She lost her light, her reason to live, and now... Now she was surviving, merely hanging on.

Lexa would have loved to see her people band together like this, although, she would have rued the circumstances. Roan and Luna and herself all working together to bring all the clans together, to safety. 

 

She can't see, but she does notice when the sun is setting, and she hears the door to her room open quietly and soft footfalls tap the metal floor.

 

" _wanheda_ " she recognizes the rough voice easily enough, it's even easier to recognize the person when he seats himself comfortably on the foot of her bed, where she lay under the thick furs that she liberated from Lexa's bed when they left Polis for the last time.

"Roan." she answered back, her voice lifeless as the name everyone addressed her by. She no longer answered to her own name, Clarke was dead, she died in the City of Light with her lover and ever since she came back, she was losing herself to her duty, pieces of whatever was left of Clarke were chipped away and all was left was _wanheda_ and this moniker never rang truer.

 

"Today is the Longest Night." Roan speaks. He isn't gentle about it, he knows that many others have given up on Clarke and while he understand that Clarke Griffin who fell from the sky and fell in love with the clan's fearless leader will never be again, he knew that even _wanheda_ had enough emotions left in her to feel the pain of others, or she wouldn't have been here still.

 

"I've heard." nods Clarke, her scarred skin stretches grotesquely over her jawline as she does.

 

"It is a night meant for remembrance, I thought you might wish to join the others."

It was tradition on the ground, that on the Winter's Solstice they sat vigil all night long, for those they had lost, and Clarke had lost many. Too many to count.

 

She thinks over his offer. She knows it's genuine, they have struck something akin to a friendship in the past few months, but one based on the understanding they would play no games with each other, that they would not make what was already hard, even harder.

 

She nods. There wasn't any harm in sitting vigil with the others when she wouldn't be able to sleep as it were.

 

He allows her to rise from her bed on her own, she's wearing only her underwear and the warp that covers her once generous chest. Had it been anyone else, she would have sent them away so as not to be looked at when she was bare, but Roan was beyond caring himself, he had lost just as much as Clarke, and neither of them could bring themselves to care for another as they had cared for another before. She dresses quickly, her clothes not as warm as she probably should dress this deep into the winter.

 

They walk to the mess hall together, side by side.

Clarke can feel the looks even if she cannot see them as clearly as she would have before. The first among the others that dares approach her is Bellamy. He places a hand on her shoulder as sounds a soft hum, trying to comfort her. Clarke was seething on the inside, but on the outside she was as cool and as calm as she was in the past few months. She felt nothing but anger these days. She was empty beyond reason, and Bellamy's attempts at comfort when the most devastating event of her life happened because of him, were not welcome at all.

 

Octavia and Raven are there as well, her mother, Kane, even Monty and Harper, Miller and Brian, they all sit there, among the grounder clans, sitting vigil for their own losses. They welcome her to their circle and they all quietly ponder over the past year and what they have lost along the year.

 

The sit from dusk, many are tearing quietly, but the majority are simply sitting, looking forwards, unseeing, remembering the lost and better lives.

 

It is almost dawn, the skies are lightning and the thin strip of gold and pink and purple catches Clarke's notice, when the shades change, but Clarke cannot see the dawn.

 

Lexa loved the dawn, This was they only time of day that was truly hers alone, she had shared as much with Clarke in one of their meetings in Lexa's chambers after long meetings with the council.

Clarke had lost the last piece of Lexa that she had,

Clarke wanted to give up for so long.

Clarke had already given up.

 

She rises from her seat and shakes her head when she sees someone trying to follow along. She'll make it back to her room on her own.

 

In her room she gathers Lexa's favorite fur and wraps it around her shoulders.

They aren't supposed to go outside now-days, radiation had spread and the danger was too great, but Clarke didn't care. She walks right out the doors. Many staring at her as she goes, their worry clear even without her sight.

 

They don't matter anymore.

 

When Clarke is outside, she can feel the burn on her exposed skin. She doesn't walk too far away. She sits, her back to the wall of what was left of the Ark. Her face towards the rising sun.

 

She feels her way down her thigh, to the dagger that once belonged to Lexa and that she now carried with her, always. It was comforting. She unsheathes the dagger, bringing it closer to her face, she wants to see it. But the light is too deem and her eyesight is shot to hell.

 

She doesn't think. 

She brings the blade to her arm and slices deep and long. She hardly feels it.

She does the same with the other arm, and the relief is almost instantaneous.

 

Others notice too late.

The sun already rose and is shining in the sky as the ground around Clarke is painted dark red, almost black. Lexa's white fur is stained beyond recognition.

Her eyes closed and a smile of relief frozen on her finally peaceful face. 

 

Clarke Griffin died in the City of Light.

_wanheda_ brought her own end in the Longest Night.

 

 


End file.
